Isabel Hope

snapshots from earth

2011-06-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

Another birthday came and went. Isabel's 4th birthday was Sunday. Monday night Tony came home and said, "I'm calling a feast in honor of Isabel's birthday". The boys quickly finished up their chores and we hustled into the van to feast at our local mexican restaurant in town.

As we drove, the sun was beginning to set, I took my camera and snapped away at so many of the images I see but never have my camera or the opportunity.

As I look at them now, I see it the way Isabel may see things...snapshots of a life that she is connected to but from afar.

Into the lion's den a year later

2010-11-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

Last week a friend had a baby boy. She had planned a home birth but ended up delivering her baby in a hospital. It was the very hospital where Samuel was born. The kids and I happened to be in town for a doctor's appointment and wanted to drop by some food and gifts for them.

It was strange. I didn't want to go...I did...but I didn't. I thought it would be fine, we'd just swing by since we were already so close, drop off the things at the nurses' desk and leave.

But as we entered the maternity ward and heard the different newborn babies crying I started to feel the walls closing in on me. I felt sick. My daughter kept asking question after question, my son was asking questions, I was lost weaving my way through the maze of corridors, the crying babies...I heard myself saying "we're going to find the nurse's desk, give them this stuff and get out of here..."

Not very comforting to the little people. Mama was stressed.

As we rounded a corner my sons pointed a ginger finger and said, "You were down there Mama." None of it looked familiar. I just remember my view in the room.

Finally, we were on our way out...we passed a waiting room. My oldest son said, "Mama, there's the room. That is where we were. I tried to sleep. That's where Mrs. D knit all night, where Desiree and Dawna slept." He spoke in an awed hushed voice, as if he were speaking of a special, sacred place.

He said, "I've always wanted to come back here." He said it in such a happy, satisfied way.

"Why?" (I never wanted to set foot in here again.)

"Because...we are so different. We are changed because of what happened here. God used it to change us." He spoke with a grateful tone and with a maturity far beyond his 13 years.

Remembering Samuel's birth - October 21

2010-10-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

Desiree, Samuel and Dawna
Our midwives cared for Samuel in life and in death

The little birds trust God, for they go singing

From northern woods where autumn winds have blown,

With joyous faith their trackless pathway winging

To summer-lands of song, afar, unknown.

Let us go singing, then, and not go sighing;

Since we are sure our times are in His hand,

Why should we weep, and fear, and call it dying?

'Tis only flitting to a Summer-land.

He flew away to a summer-land. I like that. It feels so much nicer than thinking about how someone you love died.

He was our little bird, the Lord called him and he had to fly.

Hmm.

I get stuck on the dying part. It's hard to keep your mind straight. You know, focused on what is real, not what feels real here and now, but what is eternally real.

I had been thinking about Samuel's birthday approaching and felt, well, sad. I wanted to do something, to mark it. I didn't want it to just pass without doing 'something' special. One day, my friend Renee called and I just happened to be crying about it (literally) and happened to answer the phone and actually tell her the truth. Later, she surprised me by planning to have Desiree, Dawna and her come over for the day. Desiree has been our midwife with both Isabel and Samuel. Dawna was her assistant. They were all there that night Samuel was born so it seemed appropriate to have them come to remember.

So they came on a crisp, windy fall day. In anticipating his birthday I had this desire to make a chocolate cake with fluffy, light blue frosting. I had to do it and I loved making it. It was a so much fun to frost with. It felt like an art project.

Just look at it. Doesn't it look fun?

FLUFFY WHITE FROSTING

This frosting tastes like marshmallows, has a beautiful shine, and holds its shape well.

1 cup white sugar

1/3 cup water

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

2 egg whites

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

In a saucepan, stir together the sugar, water and cream of tartar. Cook over medium-high heat until the sugar is dissolved and the mixture is bubbly.

In a medium mixing bowl, whip the egg whites and vanilla to soft peaks. Gradually add the sugar mixture while whipping constantly until stiff peaks form, about 7 to 10 minutes. Frost the cake of your choice.

This is a perfect frosting for cupcakes-you can color it any color, then just dip the cupcakes in the bowl to frost them (you don't even need a knife!) Since it contains egg whites, it will dry out and become meringue-like if left uncovered. Keep the cake or cupcakes tightly covered and they should stay moist.

So they came for an afternoon, to remember, to discuss, to acknowledge...what happened, how it happened. To sit and talk about things often not talked about, things people are afraid to bring up. We talked about how we still can't believe it happened.

Here is the Baby Surprise Sweater that I (and my friend) knit for Samuel.

I learned to spin yarn for this little jacket.

We talked about the ultrasound, when we found out, how we found out, how Desiree stood in her bedroom on the phone and felt like she was in a dream. She couldn't believe she was going to have to tell us this news about another baby.

We talked about the night he was born. How afraid and alone I felt. How I dreaded doing it all again.

How Renee came and sat up all night long in the waiting room knitting and knitting, sometimes falling asleep knitting on this beautiful jacket (Baby Surprise Jacket) so that it would be finished by morning when Samuel was born.

How after seeing Samuel's lifeless body, Renee had gone home and laid on her bathroom floor and sobbed realizing how powerless we are, there is nothing we can do. We are the Lord's. He reigns in heaven and earth and does as He pleases.

All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?" Daniel 4:35

If he snatches away, who can stop him? Who can say to him, 'What are you doing?' Job 9:12

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Romans 9:20

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. Job 42:2

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

The LORD does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths. Psalm 135:6

What did we learn and how has his life affected ours?

We talked about what I could have done differently? Is there anything that we can think of that may have caused this? Of course, you just rack your brain to try to come up with solid answers or reasons...something you can know for sure, but these are exercises in futility. The Lord reigns. He does as He pleases to accomplish His purposes.

Something that dawned on me the other day was that the Lord could have taken our first two babies. It could have been something that happened before we had any other children, then this would all just be a distant story to them. But He waited until they were involved. He is actively training them too. He is taking an interest in my children, He wants to teach them through this. He didn't want them to miss out on the jewels of suffering and loss. It's not just about my husband and I.

I love Dawna. Here she is pictured at the hospital a year ago. She played her guitar and sang worship songs before, during and after Samuel was born...

...and again on his birthday in our living room.

Dawna sat and held Samuel so tenderly. I remember her holding him, she had her forehead to his forehead and she was talking to him. I wonder what she said?

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
Psalm 116:15

I wanted to share a little bit of the blessing that Dawna has brought with her music to this whole experience. She was there before, during and after Samuel's birth. Her worship was so sweet during such a hard time. I filmed a bit of her playing the other day on Samuel's birthday.

We had an apologetics meeting to go to that night. I had to bring something in honor of Samuel's birthday.

It wasn't spoken or announced and most people didn't know but I knew, and my kids knew...those little cupcakes with chocolate sprinkles were a small offering in remembrance of our son's birthday. To acknowledge the silent yet gigantic, gaping, bloody hole that exists in our family.

People are missing.

Happy Birthday our Sweet Samuel. How I wish you could be sitting in a high chair, with light blue, fluffy frosting smeared all over your face and us smiling at you while taking a million pictures, but that was not to be.

It never was.

It was never the plan.

We just thought it was the plan. We assumed. We expected things would go as we planned but God had a different and better plan. It doesn't feel better to me now, but in 100 years I will know how much better it was. And it will have been soooo much better.

So anyway, I made these cupcakes for you.

During the last year the biggest thing that I feel is the need to just be quiet. To sit, to consider, to get through, to survive...again.

This verse in Job has brought me great comfort amidst great sorrow. This is why I feel so quiet.

He knoweth the way that I take.

What else can be said? What can be done? He knows how devastated I am, how dashed my hopes, all that has happened, heard all the careless words spoken...he knows it all and that brings me comfort because I know this is His earth and his world and although things would seem to the contrary, I believe I can trust Him. Read and be comforted yourself...

Streams in the Desert - April 22

He knoweth the way that I take.
Job 23:10

Believer! What glorious assurance! This way of thine-this, it may be, a crooked, mysterious, tangled way - this way of trial and tears. "He knoweth it." The furnace seven times heated - He lighted it. There is an Almighty Guide knowing and directing our footsteps, whether it be to the bitter Marah pool, or to the joy and refreshment of Elim.

That way, dark to the Egyptians, has its pillar of cloud and fire for His own Israel. The furnace is hot; but not only can we trust the hand that kindles it, but we have the assurance that the fires are lighted not to consume, but to refine; and that when the refining process is completed (no sooner - no later) He brings His people forth as gold.

When they think Him least near, He is often nearest. "When my spirit was overwhelmed, then thou knewest my path."

Do we know of One brighter than the brightest radiance of the visible sun, visiting our chamber with the first waking beam of the morning; an eye of infinite tenderness and compassion following us throughout the day, knowing the way that we take?

The world, in its cold vocabulary in the hour of adversity, speaks of "Providence" - "the will of Providence" - "the strokes of Providence." PROVIDENCE! What is that?

Why dethrone a living, directing God from the sovereignty of His own earth? Why substitute an inanimate, death-like abstraction, in place of an acting, controlling, personal Jehovah?

How it would take the sting from many a goading trial, to see what Job saw (in his hour of aggravated woe, when every earthly hope lay prostrate at his feet) - no hand but the Divine. He saw that hand behind the gleaming swords of the Sabeans - he saw it behind the lightning flash - he saw it giving wings to the careening tempest - he saw it in the awful silence of his rifled home.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord!"

Thus seeing God in everything, his faith reached its climax when this once powerful prince of the desert, seated on his bed of ashes, could say, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him."

- Macduff

The Long Goodnight by Matthew Smith

2010-07-15T23:17:00.001-07:00

I first heard this song on Josh Harris' blog. His beautiful Mom just passed away this month. Before she died, she told him that Christians don't say "goodbye" but only "goodnight".

<a href="http://matthewsmith.bandcamp.com/album/goodnight">Goodnight by Matthew Smith</a>

I journey forth rejoicing

From this dark vale of tears,

To heavenly joy and freedom,

From earthly bonds and fears;

Where Christ our Lord shall gather

All His redeemed again,

His kingdom to inherit.

Goodnight, goodnight till then!

Why thus so sadly weeping,

Beloved ones of my heart?

The Lord is good and gracious,

Though now He bids us part.

Oft have we met in gladness.

And we shall meet again,

All sorrow left behind us.

Goodnight, goodnight till then!

I go to see His glory,

Whom we have loved below:

I go, the blessed angels,

The holy saints to know.

Our lovely ones departed,

I go to find again,

And wait for you to join us.

Goodnight, goodnight till then!

I hear the Saviour calling,

The joyful hour has come:

The angel guards are ready

To guide me to our home,

Where Christ the Lord shall gather

All His redeemed again,

His kingdom to inherit.

Goodnight, goodnight till then!

Death worketh in you

2010-05-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

"I was crushed...so much so that I despaired even of life,

but that was to make me rely not on myself,
but on the God who raises the dead."

II Corinthians 1:8,9

Pressed out of measure and pressed to all length;
Pressed so intensely it seems, beyond strength;
Pressed in the body and pressed in the soul,
Pressed in the mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure by foes, and a pressure from friends.
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.

Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving the staff and the rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living a life in the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.

Streams in the Desert, May 18

Rough packages

2010-05-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

"The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him."

Psalm 25:14

There are secrets of Providence which God's dear children may learn. His dealings with them often seem, to the outward eye, dark and terrible. Faith looks deeper and says, "This is God's secret. You look only on the outside; I can look deeper and see the hidden meaning."

Sometimes diamonds are done up in rough packages, so that their value cannot be seen. When the Tabernacle was built in the wilderness there was nothing rich in its outside appearance. The costly things were all within, and its outward covering of rough badger skin gave no hint of the valuable things which it contained.

God may send you, dear friends, some costly packages. Do not worry if they are done up in rough wrappings. You may be sure there are treasures of love, and kindness, and wisdom hidden within. If we take what He sends, and trust Him for the goodness in it, even in the dark, we shall learn the meaning of the secrets of Providence. (A.B. Simpson, Streams in the Desert, May 6)

I just love Streams in the Desert. Sometimes I feel like Mrs. Cowman wrote this book just for me. Everyday the Lord uses it to nudge me along. And this one...oh how well this treasure has been hidden from me. And what a costly package Samuel was to unwrap.

How dark and terrible this has all 'seemed' (been). I long for the day when I can knowingly look back and honestly say how dark and terrible that all was but now I see the treasure the Lord gave.

"He maketh sore, and bindeth up; he woundeth and his hands make whole." Job 5:18

Stay firm, He has not failed thee

In all the past,

And will he go and leave thee

To sink at last?

Nay, He said He will hide thee

Beneath His wing;

And sweetly there in safety

Thou mayest sing.

Has God Predetermined Everything?

2010-04-25T23:49:00.001-07:00

John Piper on God's sovereignty. (Go down and pause the music on the lower right hand column.)

"The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD." Proverbs 16:33

No small tempest

2010-04-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

Christ In the Storm on the Sea of Galilee

Rembrandt van Rijn 1632

Streams in the Desert - April 1

"Though he slay me, yet will I trust him." (Job 13:15)

"For I know whom I have believed." (2 Timothy 1:12)

I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea
Come drifting home with broken masts and sails;
I will believe the Hand which never fails,
From seeming evil worketh good for me.
And though I weep because those sails are tattered,
Still will I cry, while my best hopes lie shattered:
'I trust in Thee.'

I will not doubt, though all my prayers return
Unanswered from the still, white realm above;
I will believe it is an all-wise love
Which has refused these things for which I yearn;
And though at times I cannot keep from grieving,
Undimmed shall burn.

I will not doubt, though sorrows fall like rain,
And troubles swarm like bees about a hive.
I will believe the heights for which I strive
Are only reached by anguish and by pain;
And though I groan and writhe beneath my crosses,
I yet shall see through my severest losses
The greater gain.

I will not doubt. Well anchored is this faith,
Like some staunch ship, my soul braves every gale;
So strong its courage that it will not quail
To breast the mighty unknown sea of death.
Oh, may I cry, though body parts with spirit,
'I do not doubts,' so listening worlds may hear it,
With my last breath."

"In fierce storms," said an old seaman, "we must do one thing; there is only one way: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there."

This, Christian, is what you must do. Sometimes, like Paul, you can see neither sun nor stars, and no small tempest lies on you; and then you can do but one thing; there is only one way.

Reason cannot help you; past experiences give you no light. Even prayer fetches no consolation. Only a single course is left. You must put your soul in one position and keep it there.

You must stay upon the Lord; and come what may - winds, waves, cross-seas, thunder, lightning, frowning rocks, roaring breakers - no matter what, you must lash yourself to the helm, and hold fast your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant engagement, His everlasting love in Christ Jesus.

- Richard Fuller

Enter the cloud

2010-03-24T02:01:00.000-07:00

“The LORD said He would dwell in the dark cloud."

I Kings 8:12

A few months ago I was reading The Beginner's Bible to my daughter. We came to Exodus when God gave Moses the 10 Commandments on Mt. Sinai.

God called Moses up to the mountain.

He wanted to talk to Moses.

The mountain shook.

A thick cloud covered it.

There was thunder and lightning.

God had come to the mountain in the cloud.

As I read that I sat there stunned. I couldn't keep reading to my daughter. I just froze as that last sentence boomed inside of my head. GOD HAD COME TO THE MOUNTAIN IN THE CLOUD.

As I sat there frozen, this idea swirled around inside of my brain a few times and hit me smack in the face. The idea that God is in the thunder and lightning. It's exactly opposite of what I had always thought. When God comes down and is near, it can be a very scary and chaotic time.

It's stormy.

It's not always a cloudless blue sky, it can be crazy.

It's scary.

It's not what you think it will be.

I sat there and stared at that picture of the black mountain and the grey clouds and the lightning...I froze, taking it in. I realized that was us.

We were in the cloud.

A few days later I stumbled across this picture in one of our coloring books.

Again, this image of the swirling storm, the lightning...it's a frightening image. I ripped it out and put it on my dresser. I just felt I needed to save it.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon that coloring page while I was trying to clear off the piles on my dresser. As soon as I saw it I stopped. I strained my brain because it was all coming back to me and at the same time I was putting it together with yesterday's Streams in the Desert reading.

"Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was." Exodus 20:21

God has still His hidden secrets, hidden from the wise and prudent. Do not fear them; be content to accept things that you cannot understand; wait patiently. Presently He will reveal to you the treasures of darkness, the riches of the glory of the mystery. Mystery is only the veil of God's face.

Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing has happened unto you; but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings." When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud. Plunge into the blackness of it's darkness without flinching; under the shrouding curtain of His pavilion you will find God awaiting you.

Again, He is telling me to "wait patiently".

"He will reveal to you the treasures of darkness."

That struck me. We have always referred to our children as our Treasures, we call them T1, T2, T3, T4 and T5. Isabel and Samuel are our treasures of darkness.

"When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud."

Oh, how forsaken we have felt these last many months, and how far God has seemed from us. Although I don't feel his smile upon us, I do take comfort in this. I know He is reaching out to comfort me and reassure me that although we are in the cloud, He is there with us.

When right looks wrong

2010-03-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

Samuel's footprints

Gideon is the son of a friend of mine. He is two years old. The other day, little Gideon toodled around in his fireman's hat at my house eating a tiny apple he picked off our tree. When questioned by his mother on his thoughts about firemen he looked at me and said seriously, "Bad guys."

His mother explained that they had recently watched a bunch of firemen burn down a house.

They set the house on fire.

They broke the windows with axes.

They sat back and watched the house burn to the ground.

In Gideon's mind they were bad guys.

They must have been.

Right?

We know that it was a controlled burn, but to Giddy's mind it was just plain wrong!

My friend shared how this had struck her in regards to our situation. She prayed, "God, do we say you are bad when we really just don't understand what You are doing?"

It reminded me of the March 6th Streams in the Desert. The verse is from Luke 24:21 "We trusted".

Lord, may we continue to trust in you despite the perceived crumbling, tearing or burning down of so many things that we hold dear.

Sitting at His feet

2010-03-10T01:32:00.000-08:00

I was cooking some meat yesterday. I had some bits that I was going to throw out so I decided to give them to Jack, our weimaraner. He would love them, but they were extremely hot. I told him to sit and 'leave it' and put them in his bowl.

He sat there very still at attention staring at me. He would quickly glance down at the bowl but mostly he sat there staring at me. He didn't take his eyes off me. His head was barely cocked sideways. I felt a little bad for him because I knew how much he wanted it but I also knew that if I let him eat it he would burn his mouth.

I kept working in the kitchen and would glance his way occasionally, he did not move. He was frozen at attention, waiting for me to give the command. He would be ready when he got his okay.

It made me think of the Lord. How different He must see things than we do. Jack may be wondering, "Why can't I have it already Lady? It's right there in front of me. You like torturing me don't you?"

He doesn't know what I know.

It's hot.

It's dangerous.

It's not time yet.

I'm protecting him.

I thought how pleasing it was to me to see him being such a good boy, obeying my command despite how hard it must be for him. It made me want to give him more.

Mostly, I felt it was the Lord reiterating what he had shown me a few days earlier with Jack.

I don't know if I can explain how I feel right now. I feel totally hopeless with nothing to look forward to or hope for. I was wondering where do we go from here? Do we try again? Adoption? I felt frantic inside, wanting to know what is going to happen, how do I move past this place, where there is nothing but painful memories and broken dreams.

So this is where Jack came in. He is a puppy in the top picture. Now he is a BIG boy and he lives in the house with us. We have mostly hardwood floors and he isn't allowed on the carpets.

Yes, that is my foot and Jack's feet. He has some big feet! Do you see those toenails?! When he walks on the hard floors those very toenails make some serious clicking noise. He follows me wherever I go so I get to hear "click click click click" I stop...silence. I start again, "click click click click".

I'm sorry to say it bugs me.

So the other day I walked down the hall (clicking toenails behind me) and went into the bathroom, closing the door and closing him out! Most of the time he will lay down outside the door and wait. This time he walked from room to room looking out of the windows.

All I could hear was "Click click click click....click click click click click click click click click click click click click...click click click click click click...click click click click click click click click click click click click...click click click click click click...click click click click click click click click click click click click...click click click click click click.

It seemed like a lot more clicking than that too!

It was driving me crazy. Why was he walking from room to room like a nutcase?! He is so neurotic. Why does he have to look out of every window and then go back and do them all again? Just lay down outside the door and rest! Wait for me.

DING.

The bell went off in my head.

It was God.

Stop going from room to room looking out every window looking for your answer. You won't find it that way. Just come and sit at my feet. Rest. Listen to me. Wait on me. I alone have the words of life.

The word "burden" is described as being "what Jehovah has given you."

But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. John 6:68

So now you understand why the first story of Jack was more of the same idea. He just sat there waiting for me to tell him when he could eat. And I wanted him to eat it, I was just waiting for the right time.

So that is where I am right now. Trying to sit, trying to rest at the Lord's feet. Reading his word, asking for wisdom, thanking Him for the simple pleasures we have in our life.

Today it was very cold. Today we were thankful for dry wood, a woodstove to heat our house so nicely, a roof over our heads, good food and a wonderful church. (okay there was so much more but I won't list them all)

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. Psalm 55:22

Cookies in heaven

2010-02-05T22:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight my daughter said "Mama, I'm thinking about our Samuel right now.

I'm thinking that when I get to heaven he will say, "I've been saving some cookies for you."

"Or cake and ice cream"

"and we will all sit down at God's long table to eat."

Skipping the dot

2010-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

Through this whole ordeal with Samuel, our family has had many meaningful discussions. While I was still pregnant T1 (my 12 year old) and I were talking about our life...

I told him that our life just wasn't working out the way I had hoped. Papa and I had tried to serve the Lord since we were married and in my mind, somehow I thought if you are doing the right thing, life will be "good", or maybe it's just that what I thought was good wasn't really as important to God as it was to me. But our life has been hard in many ways of late. My husband was unemployed for most of 2009, we have a FOR SALE sign outside in the front yard...and we were going to be burying another baby. But as I pondered all of these things, I realized that what is most important to me, all that really matters is that we all get to heaven.

My son got really excited and told me that while he was reading this book, he started thinking about how loooong eternity is. It's mind boggling. He said, "Our lives are so short compared to eternity and yet where we spend eternity is all based on this short little period of time that we live."

Then he said, "When you think about it, who cares if our life is bad? Really Mama, WHO CARES?! As long as we make it to heaven. It's all that matters."

It's so true.

If you think of eternity stretched out as a never-ending horizontal line and our life represented by a small dot on this never-ending line, we realize how short our lives are. We can endure hardships for a mere 80-90 years can't we? Especially if we have an eternity of happiness to look forward to?

At Samuel's Memorial service they had an open mic for people to share. My friend's daughter (10 years old) shared that in her Bible study she was reading about how Jesus healed the blind man and how Jesus was the first person the blind man ever saw. Then she said, "Jesus was the first person Samuel saw."

A week after Samuel was born the kids and I were laying on my bed. I said, "Samuel has been in Heaven for one week today."

T1 said, "I remember when you said that about Isabel."

Really?

I did?

And you remember?

That was depressing.

I probably did.

I can't believe my kids had to hear me say that twice in 3 years.

So after I got over that, we lay there talking about what it must have been like for Samuel. We were daydreaming about it. He was in the womb, safe and warm and unaware of things, and then he was in heaven. It must have been like emerging, not as a baby hazily emerges from the womb, but waking up, fully conscious, fully aware...into heaven. That was all he would ever know in his life...heaven.

We lay there staring up at the ceiling, thinking of this concept in quiet contemplation when my son said,

"He skipped the dot."

"Samuel skipped the dot and went straight to the line."

We smiled together (me through tears) at the thought. We had just received a costly nugget of truth from God, something we had worked hard to earn.

We are living the dot.

The dot isn't important.

The line is.

Are you living your dot in order to get to the right line?

Death cannot divide

2010-01-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

E'en for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief;

Death cannot long divide.

For is it not as though the rose that climbed my garden wall

Has blossomed on the other side?

Death doth hide,

But not divide;

Thou art but on Christ's other side!

Thou art with Christ, and Christ with me;

In Christ united still are we.

To us it seems our Samuel and Isabel have slipped through our fingers and are gone forever. But in reality, they are simply on the other side.

As the poem says, Death doth hide, but not divide. We all will live forever. As long as we're living this life, where we live out that forever is yet to be decided.

Are you sure where you will be spending it?

Vineyards in the Wilderness

2010-01-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

This is from the Streams in the Desert devotional for today, my birthday.

"I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness…And I will give her her vineyards from thence" (Hosea 2:14-15)

A strange place to find vineyards--in the wilderness! And can it be that the riches which a soul needs can be obtained in the wilderness, which stands for a lonely place, out of which you can seldom find your way? It would seem so, and not only that, but the "Valley of Achor," which means bitterness, is called a door of hope. And she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth!

Yes, God knows our need of the wilderness experience. He knows where and how to bring out that which is enduring. The soul has been idolatrous, rebellious; has forgotten God, and with a perfect self-will has said, "I will follow after my lovers." But she did not overtake them. And, when she was hopeless and forsaken, God said, "I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her." What a loving God is ours! --Crumbs

We never know where God hides His pools. We see a rock, and we cannot guess it is the home of the spring. We see a flinty place, and we cannot tell it is the hiding place of a fountain. God leads me into the hard places, and then I find I have gone into the dwelling place of eternal springs.

Jehovah has given

2009-12-21T15:15:00.000-08:00

A wise son makes a glad father, But a foolish son is the grief of his mother.

Proverbs 10:1

This is my oldest son, Samuel's big brother. He is a gift from God. His name means "Jehovah has given".

He has really grown up during my pregnancy with Samuel. In the early months I was so tired and slept a lot. He kept the younger ones occupied for me. But after we found out Samuel would die, he went into overdrive. I cried often and I could see he was always trying to gauge how I was doing. I would be in the kitchen wiping my eyes and catch him looking at me, to see if I was really crying or just cutting onions. Many times I wished I could hide this all from them, that they wouldn't see me cry, wouldn't see their Mama falling apart. Sometimes when I would cry, they would just stare at me, like you might look on at an accident as you drive by. It was something new and strange. Other times, they would rush to me and hug me. This son seems to have become more of a man. Now when he sees me cry he comes to me and hugs me and says, "What is it Mama?"

As much as I wanted to sheild them from the horrible reality we were experiencing...I couldn't. And although it's natural to want to hide your tears, to cry in secret, that would have been silly. Do I really want them to think that we could lose a son, their brother, and be perfectly fine and normal?

No.

I want them to know how to go through hard things. Real things. When they get older I want them to be able to say to their families, "We lost two babies and it was very hard on Papa and Mama and us kids, but God held us together, we grew closer, we cried, we leaned on God, we praised God for things we couldn't understand, we asked that He be glorified through them somehow, we read the Bible and prayed as a family. That is what we will do in this hard situation we are in. They got through it by holding onto God and we will too."

Like I said, at times I have been sad ontop of sad for the innocence they have lost, and yet, what changed people they have become, like us.

We are different.

We have all been changed.

It has all come by the Lord's gracious hand. As much as I wish this wasn't happening I don't want to change what He is doing in us, because He knows. He knows so much better than we.

And I trust Him more.

More than the pain.

This son whom we call "T1" which stands for Treasure One (our first treasure) has also grown to love and appreciate his little sister more, if that is even possible. We have loved this little girl from the moment we met her and have greatly enjoyed our days with her. But this son has learned what a miracle a healthy baby is. One day a few months ago, he looked at his sister and told me, "She is growing up so fast. I will know Mama. I'll know to hold my babies."

The day after she was born, he came into my room and said, "Mama, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for having her. I just thought that I should say that." That was the nicest thing I think anyone has ever said to me. It was so sweet, that he would say thank you for carrying her and giving birth to her because he loved and enjoyed her so much after one day. He was seven at the time.

When everyone came in to see Samuel after he was born, they all crowded around Papa who was holding him. It was such a sad, sad moment. It was very quiet, no happy squeals or people oodling over his fingers and toes, only sober faces and hushed voices.

It's not for wimps.

The people that were there for us, had to go through it all with us...twice. And I can tell you, it's a whole lotta no fun. Dad, Mom, Laura, Desiree, Dawna and Renee had to walk into that hospital room knowing what they were going to face.

Heartbroken people...and a sweet little dead baby.

I felt bad for them too.

Papa asked if the kids wanted to hold him, my oldest said yes right away. It was his baby too. It seemed he knew it was something he should do, he was doing what Papa did.

He sat there looking at him for a moment, then he broke down.

You were a brave boy Son...both times.

The day I realized I hadn't felt Samuel moving and was going to the birth center to have Desiree listen for his heartbeat I pulled him aside and told him the truth about what we were doing. He simply nodded at me and said, "Okay."

On the drive we were listening to the dramatized audio version of John Bunyan's book, Christiana. He was sitting in the front seat beside me. There is a saying that is said often in this audio, they say "The bitter must come before the sweet." When it was said, he looked at me and nodded. He didn't want me to miss the truth in it. He was always trying to help me to see God in the midst of this trial.

The night we came home from the hospital, my husband put the boys to bed. I heard sobs from the bedroom. T1 had said to my husband, "I wanted to see his first birthday. I wanted to see him grow up."

It hit me.

He feels like we do.

It was his little brother that he had hopes and dreams for too.

God is grooming him to be a great Papa someday.

I was driving in the car by myself the other day. Thinking and crying about Samuel. I was thinking about what a helper this son has been during our time with Samuel. What a blessing. What a gift...when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

His name!

Jehovah has given him...to us...to show His love for us.

He is his name.

A loving gift that made me cry all over again in gratefulness to God.

Satisfied in the midst of loss

2009-12-19T22:46:00.000-08:00

Not like you

2009-12-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Not like you

I am a mother, though not like you.

You cradle your sweet baby in your armes,

Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.

You brush her soft curly hair,

and tie pretty pink bows just right.

A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book.

You pick daisies and tie them in a chain

to wear around her neck.

I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.

You look forward to dreams and plans.

I hold onto memories.

I am a mother,

though not like you.

By Sheri Hess

Thinking of you

2009-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of you tonight Samuel.

It's hard to believe I had a baby less than two months ago and here I am again, going on with life 'as usual'. No baby carrier with you in my shopping cart. I see little ones and my eyes linger over them, comparing them to you. Would you be older? If you had lived, would my baby be that size or bigger?

It feels so wrong.

I miss you.

I miss life when it was normal. I could carelessly take so much for granted.

It was fun to look forward to you, before we knew that you too, would leave us. So many daydreams I entertained Little One. Of you and me, me holding you, Papa holding you, the kids holding you...you get the idea. There was a lot of love that was to be lavished upon you.

Sigh.

There still is.

Like I said, I'm thinking of you tonight Samuel. And missing you.

Wait in silence

2009-12-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

My Soul Waits for God Alone

A Psalm of David.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;

I shall not be greatly shaken.

How long will all of you attack a man to batter him,

like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?

They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.

They take pleasure in falsehood.

They bless with their mouths,

but inwardly they curse.

Selah

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;
I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord,
belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.

- Psalm 62

I listened to Joseph Morecraft teach on Psalm 62 today. It was good.

If you are down, if you are going through tough times, take some time to listen to his sermon called The Soul's Sole Hope. I subscribe to his Podcast called Chalcedon Presbyterian Church. It helped.

It helps to remember who God is.

Knitting for Samuel

2009-11-30T23:49:00.000-08:00

I knit.

I learned to knit beyond your basic scarf when I was 7.5 months pregnant with Isabel and had just found out she was going to die after she was born. I had a desperate need to do something for her. To have something that I could give her.

I wanted her to know her Mama loved her and wanted her.

I have been knitting like crazy ever since.

I had been sort of 'stuck' knitting baby items before I got pregnant with Samuel. I just kept knitting and knitting little pink baby socks. I couldn't help myself. It was a little embarassing. But they were so cute and I thought maybe...maybe someday we'd have someone to wear them.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was so excited to be able to spend my pregnancy knitting for a baby we could keep. It was so fun. I knit diaper soakers in generic colors. I knit this baby sleep sack. I was really looking forward to holding him in this.

After we found out that Samuel would likely not live, then I went into overdrive again because this was it. There was only now and that would be all we had. Once again, they told me he could die at anytime in the womb, he would likely be small so there was a need to knit everything in many sizes starting with tiny.

It did give me something to do.

A way to cope.

A purpose.

I chose these buttons for Papa. My husband is a bow hunter and he would have taught Samuel to be a hunter as well.

Allow for numbness

2009-11-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

Feeling dazed or numb when your baby dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose; it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has been told. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. Your plans and dreams for the future have been assaulted.

You may feel you are in a dream-like state. As one mother said, "It's like running headfirst into a solid wall. I was stunned and didn't want to believe the words I was hearing. I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me this wasn't happening."

Feelings of numbness and disbelief help create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.

From Helping Yourself Heal When a Baby Dies

A poem for Samuel

2009-11-12T21:29:00.001-08:00

If I could go back

Back to before the hopes and dreams

Before the heartache and sorrow

Before all the tears

I wouldn't Samuel.

I wouldn't

Because now I know you.

I know your face.

You are one of us now.

You belong to us

And I would never want to undo that.

I wish I could have seen your little face

break out into smile.

To hear you laugh that baby laugh

Watch you nurse

Play peek-a-boo with your brothers and sister

Watch you sleep on Papa's chest

in the dim light of the lava lamp

But we will have to wait for all those things.

We will spend our lives dreaming of you

And the days ahead when we will get to know you

As you truly are.

Not just an adorable little face

But you as God created you.

Until then, grab your sister's hand.

Enjoy Heaven.

When you see that one of us is coming

Wait for us at the gate.

Samuel Angus - October 21, 2009

2009-11-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

I woke up on Tuesday, October 20th and lay in bed thinking about the day, talking to the kids and giving them jobs to do. As I lay there alone on the bed, it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't felt Samuel move for a while. I called my midwife, Desiree.

We decided I should go to the birth center and let her listen with the doppler. The birth center was closed that day and I had the kids wait in the van.

I lay on the bed in the birthing suite that I had dreamed of having a baby in. It was so surreal, that I would find out that he had died in this very room. The very room that I had daydreamed about having Samuel in.

It felt so cruel.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, tears rolling down my cheeks as Desiree listened in vain for a heartbeat. She was crying too.

I met my husband at the local hospital to have an ultrasound to confirm Samuel had died. I was 32 weeks. We went home and packed our bags and went to the hospital to be induced.

Samuel Angus was stillborn at 7:25 am October 21, 2009. He weighed 5 lbs 9 oz and was 18 inches long.

He was beautiful.

Baby T5 update

2009-10-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't had the energy or courage to post but I suppose it is time.

We went in for our first ultrasound on August 11th. My husband and I were nervous, but eager to have our fears dispelled. When the technician showed me the baby's kidneys I just burst into tears of relief. But later as she looked at the heart I squeezed my husband's hand, her eyes were fixed and serious...but somehow I thought I was just imagining things.

Unfortunately, I wasn't.

We found out we were having another son and that he had many problems. We went for more ultrasounds the following day at a perinatologist. I had an amniocentisis done. The end result is that our son has Trisomy 13. An extra 13th chromosome in every cell of his body.

I can't tell you the devastation we feel.

To know we are walking down basically the same road is very painful. We know what is coming, we know so well.

I have wanted to post about this, and also, I haven't. I am just trying to do every day one day at a time and feed the kids, keep some laundry done. We need prayer.

Here is his adorable profile at 23 wks.

Re-opening the wound

2009-08-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the couch when my oldest son came rushing in the door with my daughter in his arms. She was crying. She was wearing shorts and her knee was bleeding.

Wait...rewind.

A few days before she had skinned her knee on the cement and it was the kind that really hurt. Sort of like a burn. You know the kind?

It had healed over with a scab and at least it didn't hurt anymore. So now you're up to speed.

Okay, so my son came rushing in, put her in my lap. She had fallen AGAIN and opened up her scab. Now it was bleeding, a lot. It was the really thick, dark red blood. It scared her and it hurt.

It was a little more than a week since we had the ultrasound that had shattered our dreams again.

She looked up at me with big tears flooding her eyes and said through her sobs, "I don't want to do it again."

I instantly fell apart with her and burst into tears. I cried with her as I hugged her and said, "I know just what you mean honey." It felt so strange and so perfectly parallel that I sensed the Lord was trying to say something. But what?

The next night I was giving her a bath. She didn't want to put her knee in the water, she was afraid it would hurt. I was telling her it needed to be cleaned so it would heal. I heard myself saying,

Does Mama love you?

Does Mama want to hurt you?

Trust me.

It will be okay.

While I was speaking the same little bell went off in my head, that the Lord was trying to tell me something.

I don't understand or feel better. But I do trust Him.

-----

Leave it With Him

"Consider the lilies, how they grow" (Matt. 6:28)

I need oil," said an ancient monk; so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray Thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues," cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! it thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. 'Lord, send what it needs,' I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.'"

Yes, leave it with Him,The lilies all do,
And they grow--They grow in the rain,
And they grow in the, dew--Yes, they grow:
They grow in the darkness, all hid in the night--
They grow in the sunshine, revealed by the light--

Still they grow.
Yes, leave it with Him
'Tis more dear to His heart,
You will know,
Than the lilies that bloom,
Or the flowers that start
'Neath the snow

Whatever you need,
if you seek it in prayer,
You can leave it with Him
for you are His care.

Happy Birthday Isabel - 2 years

2009-06-22T21:41:00.000-07:00

I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
2 Samuel 12:22

Happy Birthday Isabel.

This year on your birthday I can feel happy for you that you have spent 2 of our years in Heaven. I can feel glad for you and less sad for me.

You are missed here.

Your sister would love to have a little sister to take care of. I see it more and more everyday as I watch her mother her dollies. She would have been a big helper to you and me.

She knows you are her sister. She talks about how you are in Heaven. She used to pray that God would send you to us, but now I think she knows we will one day go to you.

You are missed sweet daughter, by us all. There will always be an empty chair at our table meant for you.

All my love,

Mama

Baby Faith

2009-05-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a very special little girl with you. Her name is Faith Hope. She passed away after living 93 days and defying the medical experts. She had anencephaly.

As I was reading through her blog from the beginning, I was shocked at the treatment that the doctors were refusing to give to her baby that was going to be born. Here is a brief clip from this post:

He said that they never recuscitate babies with anencephaly. I asked him, "What do you mean by 'resuscitate'?" He said, "We won't take any measures to prolong the baby's life. The only thing we do is swaddle the baby in a blanket and give the baby to the mother." He said that they would not even suction out her airway if needed. I said "You wouldn't even suction her? Why not?" and he replied very sternly, "Why WOULD we?" I said, "Umm... because I would want you to?"

My GP asked about painkillers to comfort her and he said, "It all comes down to futility. It is FUTILE to give a baby pain medication if the baby cannot benefit from it." And he went on again about how she only had a brain stem and could not feel (sigh...).

Here's one more:
"anencephalic babies are useless for all practical purposes other than spare parts for others."(Ronald Cranford, Chairman of the Ethics and Humanities Committee of the American Academy of Neurology)

I would like this doctor to look at this video of Faith laughing or the one where she wants her "soukie".

I am proud of how Faith's mother Myah stood up for Faith, while the specialist made her feel it was pointless. She valued the life God gave her, and loved her baby every second, right up to the point where she gave her to God.

Our babies don't have to be perfect to be loved. It's not a failure to have an imperfect baby.

Take some time and read about Baby Faith's beautiful life.

Stepping Heavenward

2009-01-10T00:55:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite books is Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss.

I love it!

Every bit.

The first time I read it, it seemed that each word was a tasty morsel that I couldn't wait to eat. This book follows the life of a woman from her teenage years into womanhood. I identified with Katherine in so many ways while I read the book, and was horrified to read of her young son's death. That was something I hadn't experienced nor could imagine. I'm reading this book again with new eyes now...

We have come into the country with what God has left us, our two youngest children. Yes, I have tasted the bitter cup of bereavement and drunk it down to its dregs. I gave my darling to God, I gave him, I gave him! But, oh, with what anguish I saw those round, dimpled limbs wither and waste away, the glad smile fade forever from that beautiful face! What a fearful thing it is to be a mother! But I have given my child to God. I would not recall him if I could. I am thankful He has counted me worthy to present Him so costly a gift.

I cannot shed a tear, and I must find relief in writing or I shall lose my senses. My noble, beautiful boy! My firstborn son! And to think that my delicate little Una still lives and that death has claimed that bright, glad creature who was the sunshine of our home!

But let me not forget my mercies. Let me not forget that I have a precious husband and two darling children and my kind, sympathizing Mother still left to me. Let me not forget how many kind friends gathered about us in our sorrow. Above all let me remember God's lovingkindness and tender mercy. He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that refuses and disdains to be comforted. We believe in Him, we love Him, we worship Him as we never did before.

My dear Ernest has felt this sorrow to his heart's core. But he has not for one moment questioned the goodness of the love of our Father in thus taking from us the child who promised to be our greatest earthly joy. Our consent to God's will has drawn us together very closely; together we bear the yoke in our youth, together we pray and sing praises in the midst of our tears. "I was dumb with silence because Thou didst it" (Psalm 39:9).

You can also download and listen to the entire book free from Librivox here.

I'm her Mama

2009-01-03T17:34:00.000-08:00

Amidst the Christmas wrapping, my daughter pulled out her baby doll from the box. She held her up and looked down lovingly at her and quietly said, "She loves me because I'm her Mama."

As I lay in the dark cheek-to-cheek with my sleeping beauty, my eyes misted a bit as my thoughts drifted back to the evening and the look in her eyes as she looked deeply into her baby's eyes and said confidently, "She loves me because I'm her Mama."

Those words echoed loudly in my head.

Then with a smile...I thought the same thing.

Rise in the darkness

2008-12-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

"Oh Lord be near us now
Our heart grows faint
Broken tears flow down
In You is strength."

The song "Oh my child" from Nathan Clark George about losing a baby to miscarriage always makes me cry. I love his music.

You can hear part of the song by going to his site and clicking on the song under his Rise in the Darkness album.

Eating your greens

2008-09-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Unmet expectations. They will get you every time. It's in expecting perfection that make the bumps in the road so hard to take.

I have been wanting to get pregnant for awhile now and each month I am disappointed. This last month my feelings seemed to be hurt particularly more than usual. I saw the negative test and then jumped in the shower, fighting back the tears.

I prayed, "Lord, WHY?! If I were you and someone had to go through an entire pregnancy AND took tablespoons of cod liver oil and Berry Green (which tastes incredibly nasty!) through the whole thing and ended up having to bury her baby...I would let them get pregnant right away! Why?! I don't understand? I'm just so frustrated!!!"

Yes, it was a tantrum.

It was a dying to my hopes and dreams...again.

Maybe tantrums are just the sound your dreams make as they die.

They don't go down without a fight.

I had this incredibly frustrating realization that I am not in control of my life. No matter how much I want to make my life a certain way...I can't. We think we can, and sometimes God allows us the illusion that we can, but in that moment, I realized how completely powerless I truly am.

I felt like the Lord was showing me that the only reason I am frustrated and disappointed is that my life isn't working out "according to the plans I have for me". He also reminded me that when I give my kids something for dinner that they don't like or want, what they are really saying is that they don't like what I gave them. (Me!! Their loving mother who wants the world for them.)

One might even say they are frustrated with what I gave them. Much like I am frustrated with what God has given me.

He showed me that being frustrated and discontent is simply a nice way (or not so nice way) of complaining about what He (my Father who loves me and knows what is best) has given me.

I prayed and cried and asked the Lord, "Why???????? Wasn't losing Isabel enough?"

Immediately, I was reminded of a story Darlene Diebler Rose told. She was in a WWII Japanese prison camp, beaten regularly and starved, weighing just 60 pounds. While in solitary confinement, she was given rice with worms on top. She tried to pick them off, but it was impossible. She finally decided to eat them along with the rice and she could honestly thank her Heavenly Father for providing her with that food with a bit of protein as well. At one point she cried out to the Lord and begged him to make it stop. He told her "those I love, I chasten". He told her that if He had to take her through the fire several times, that is what He wanted to do, to make her like pure gold.

I looked up 'chasten' and found: "To rid of excess; refine or purify"

In my mind losing Isabel was so hard, and now that it was over, I thought the battle was over. We made it through, now it's time for a rest and possibly some blessing thrown in for good measure! But it seems that it's in the extended suffering that the Lord can really press us and mold us into something more. When we give up and die to our dreams. Die to being Lord of our own lives and thankfully eat what our wise and loving Father has served us, true contentment comes.

After that I read how the Lord answered Job's questioning as to why He had allowed such calamity to befall him and his household starting in Job 38:4 by saying "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding." God showed Job how big HE is and how small Job was. That helped put things in perspective for me. (Check sidebar for John Piper's audio on suffering)

LESSON: Trust God and his sovereignty over all things.

Sovereignty is the exclusive right to have control over an area of governance, people, or oneself

Q. Does our acceptance of God's sovereignty in our lives allow him sovereignty in our lives?

A. Peeshaw! He is. He reigns. Accept it, don't fight it.

APPLICATION: Be happy today.

Not just content, but honestly happy and extremely thankful for every day.

P.S. Lord, I'm working on it.

The beginning of hopes and dreams

2008-09-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

I was looking up some information about morning sickness for someone today. I found my journal from Isabel's pregnancy. It reminded me of the day I told my family I was pregnant with her. It was sad to read. We were so excited.

You only expect the picture-perfect life to happen to you. You never think anything bad will happen. We were pregnant and at that point, a pregnancy = a healthy baby and a lifetime of happiness right?

But that was the beginning of our Isabel. Our sweet little girl was with us then.

My journal follows:

First person I told: my 19 month old daughter

November 6, 2006

I just took the pregnancy test and found out I am pregnant. No one knows except for me and God. I am so excited and so thankful that the Lord is giving us another little life to love and share our lives with. I found out that I am 4 weeks pregnant and due July 14, 2007. I am on the computer ordering prenatal vitamins and gearing up for the possibility of morning sickness and also trying to counter that with supplements. I feel the milk thistle helped with T3’s pregnancy…we’ll see if it really did help or just a fluke.

I would like to tell Papa and the boys through a treasure hunt using a Casear Cipher code on my blog. We’ll see if I can do it.

So excited!!!

P.S. Cass got her braces off today too.

Here are the clues on my blog:

Understood Betsy Post:
"Fluffy cheeks are irresistible"
(go to fluffy cheeks post)

Fluffy Cheeks Post:
"Clear your calendar"
(go to Calendars lists, and forms to go post)

Calendars lists, and forms to go post:
"Fam Fest"
(Go to Treasures post)

Our Treasures: Reveal
"may have to wait. TFOUR due July 14 2007!"

We call our kids T1, T2, T3 & T4. This is short for Treasure #1, Treasure #2, etc.

Papa and the boys sat down at the computer to break the code. While they were working on it, Aunt L and Cass stopped by to show us Cass’s teeth without braces. I was glad, so they could be included in the news. A little before they figured it out, K dropped by too so we were all here to hear the news together. Papa wasn’t suspicious at all, until right toward the end he started looking at me in a funny, questioning way like “Is this…?”

November 9, 2006
Grandma and Grandpa Gary figured out the code so they know now. They are excited.

I am gearing up for the possibility of morning sickness. I’m really hopeful that it won’t be that bad with the supplements I’ve been taking.

November 25, 2006 – 7 weeks
I am now 7 weeks and still waiting for any sign of morning sickness. I guess I felt a little (teeny, tiny bit) queezy yesterday but that was it. I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe where I could actually be pregnant and still care for my family. It’s wonderful. I am also a twinge nervous as well. I know they say that if you have morning sickness it means it’s a healthy pregnancy, and sometimes when there is a miscarriage, there was no morning sickness. But I am taking all the supplements so I pray that that is the cause.

December 4, 2006 – 8 weeks
Feeling great still. I have very small twinges of questionable queasiness, but really nothing worth even speaking of. I am walking on air, this is amazing that a new life can be forming inside of me and I am not layed up on the couch or leaning over the toilet. Names I’m thinking about this week: Beatrice, Blythe

2008-08-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

This video is so refreshing and beautiful, I wanted to share it with you.

Brevity

2008-08-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

It was somewhere between sunset and dusk as I sat at the computer on a very hot August night. I glanced outside at the evening sky. It was incredibly beautiful. Various shades of pink, purple, blues and grey. Breathtaking really.

I turned my attention back to the screen for a few brief minutes.

When I looked back, the difference was striking. Already the light had begun to fade. Night was closing in.

Immediately it made me think of Isabel's brief life.

A bursting forth and then a fading away.

Protection vs. isolation

2008-08-09T22:50:00.001-07:00

One morning at the breakfast table while we were reading the Bible, Isabel came up. I had been feeling bad because no one talks to me about Isabel. This includes my immediate family. Whenever I do mention her, I get the deer-in-the-headlights look. Everyone stares at me in silence. Most of the time no one says anything. My middle son occasionally says things to try to comfort me like, "Well Mama, maybe you can have another baby that won't die next time."

"Yes son, that would be nice."

It really makes me chuckle, because his heart is so sincere in his attempt to comfort me. He has no clue how horrible what he is saying sounds. It makes perfect sense to him.

I told the kids that I know they feel like they can't talk about Isabel because they don't want me to be sad. My 8 year old concurred with this. One time my daughter mentioned Isabel and he told her not to talk about her because it might make Mama cry.

There's a fine line between protecting and isolating someone in grief. Right after Isabel died, there was a lot of 'shushing' of my middle son. I know my husband told him that if he wanted to talk about Isabel to talk to Papa because Mama was too sad. And I was. He would casually say very inappropriate things that were very hard to hear when the wound was so raw, in his innocence of course.

On this day, I told them that whether they talk about her or not, I will still be sad. But I wanted them to know that she was and is a part of our family. She will always be our daughter. She will forever be their sister. If we can never speak of her and include her as a part of our family, that would make me even sadder.

Then my 8 year old was able to express how he felt that day at the ultrasound, the day we first found out. He said, "We were so excited about our baby, telling T3 that she was going to have a baby sister, and then BOOM a huge cannon went off! A huge explosion."

I thought that was such a poignant way of explaining what happened emotionally to us that day. It was like a huge explosion. In fact, when I wrote about that first ultrasound, I likened it to a bomb being detonated. How funny that he could articulate it so well, so similarly to my post.

It's sad. The boys must feel a torn. They want to protect me so they keep these hard feelings bottled up inside.

One year later

2008-08-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

As Isabel's birthday approached, it was really strange. I became very emotional at times, seemingly out of the blue, without really thinking that the year mark was coming up.

It was back to the sobbing-in-bed-at-night-in-the-dark type of crying, with the pillow over my face, trying not to wake my husband. I honestly don't understand it, but I suppose it's somewhat normal.

My husband and I weren't sure what we were supposed to do on her birthday. It's obviously not a happy occasion, she isn't one year old.

Instead it's one year of emptiness.

One year of bathing my daughter and seeing two little girls sitting in the tub.

One year of holding hands around the dinner table, picturing Isabel in the empty spot.

One year of making small talk with people about absolutely nothing important.

One year of feeling guilty about whatever it was I did in the early weeks of my pregnancy.

One year of fighting back tears.

One year of wrestling with God.

Here we are after Isabel's graveside service.

Not a good day.

Two of the kids were sick, it was extremely hot, my milk was coming in and we had just buried our daughter.

Approximately one year later on Isabel's birthday. My husband took me to a nice spanish restaurant we've always wanted to go to. It was a sober and sweet night. We hadn't been out together alone for ages, and now there was so much more between us.

Like soldiers who had gone through a bloody battle together, we had gone through that terrible experience clinging to each other. All of the doctor appointments, ultrasounds, the grim prognosis, the fear of facing the reality of giving birth to our daughter and then watching her die. The memories of all of that and that hellish night hung like a thick fog between us, all unspoken.

We knew.

We remembered and still hurt.

But the Lord had brought us through it.

In the end, we concluded that we were wrong. It shouldn't have just been us. Next year and all the years that follow, our whole family will dress up and go out together to acknowledge Isabel's birthday and honor her as a member of our family. To remember that one day we will see her in Heaven.

So what else have we been up to in the last year?

Papa took up running. He ran his first half marathon in June and is training for his first full marathon this fall. He's also lost about 45 pounds and looks great.

And me? I suppose I've knit my way through miles of yarn. These are some socks I knit for little Jewel. She is one of the new babies at church.

Faith that endures

2008-07-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

The heart can only rest upon and enjoy the blessed truth of the absolute sovereignty of God as faith is in exercise. Faith is ever occupied with God. That is the character of it; that is what differentiates it from intellectual theology.

Faith endures "as seeing Him who is invisible" (Heb. 11:27); endures the disappointments, the hardships, and the heart-aches of life, by recognizing that all comes from the hand of Him who is too wise to err and too loving to be unkind.

But so long as we are occupied with any other object than God Himself, there will be neither rest for the heart nor peace for the mind. But when we receive all that enters our lives as from His hand, then, no matter what may be our circumstances or surroundings, whether in a hovel or prison-dungeon, or at a martyr's stake, we shall be enabled to say, "The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places" (Ps. 16:6).

But that is the language of faith, not of sight nor of sense.

But if instead of bowing to the testimony of Holy Writ, if instead of walking by faith, we follow the evidence of our eyes, and reason therefrom, we shall fall into a quagmire of virtual atheism.

Or, if we are regulated by the opinions and views of others, peace will be at an end.

Granted that there is much in this world of sin and suffering which appals and saddens us; granted that there is much in the providential dealings of God which startle and stagger us; that is no reason why we should unite with the unbelieving worldling who says, "If I were God, I would not allow this or tolerate that."

Better far, in the presense of bewildering mystery, to say with one of old, "I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because Thou didst it" (Ps. 39:9). Scripture tells us that God's judgments are "unsearchable," and His ways "past finding out" (rom. 11:33).

It must be so if faith is to be tested, confidence in His wisdom and righteousness strengthened, and submission to His holy will fostered.

The above excerpt is from The Sovereignty of God by A.W. Pink. It was first published in 1928. I love this book! I bought it used off ebay and it is packed with so much wisdom. I highly recommend it. You can print the entire book free online here or purchase the audio verision and listen while you do dishes. It's deep reading. I can't read much at one time. I have probably read over this portion (above) between 10 and 20 times.

This passage is so true, the only thing that has brought me comfort and peace is (as Pink puts it) recognizing that all comes from the hand of Him who is too wise to err and too loving to be unkind

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!

For who has known the mind of the LORD?

Or who has become His counselor?

Or who has first given to Him

And it shall be repaid to him?

For of Him and through Him and to Him

are all things, to whom be glory forever.

Amen.

Romans 11:33-36

Waiting to lose

2008-06-26T14:17:00.001-07:00

One of the cornish cross chickens we are raising for meat was run over in the chicken tractor. Something happened to her leg, or wing or something. She can't walk, she just sits. We put her in a separate pen indoors, all by herself, because she wasn't able to get food or water in the pen with all the other chickens. We put the food and water right in front of her. She just sits there and eats and drinks, sort of. She's not growing, we find her in another part of the pen, she somehow she flapped herself into. Then we have to move her back to the food and water.

It's sad.

She's not growing, she looks bad. We've been trying to keep her growing until the butcher date next month but I just don't think she's going to make it. My husband and I were looking at her last night and discussing putting her down. Our daughter came into the pen area to look at the 'poor chicken', as she calls her.

Papa told her the chicken was going to die. I quickly looked at my husband as if to say, "Don't tell her that!"

Later in the kitchen, he asked me if I thought he shouldn't have been so blunt with her.

"No. We could just say after-the-fact that the chicken went away. She's only three, she wouldn't know or need to know. " Then I said, "It's just too sad to know something is going to die before it happens." And as soon as I said it I just wanted to break down right there. Sometimes I can't believe that that actually happened to us. But it wasn't a chicken. It was our daughter.

Aren't you glad you didn't know something bad was going to happen the day before it happened? How about 6 weeks before it happened? Because how could you cope or what would you do had you known?

It was terrible knowing that our baby would die.

I remember walking through the mall when I was almost 9 months pregnant, looking in the baby stores. To sales clerks and shoppers I looked like a pregnant mother searching for baby clothes.

And I was.

I was searching for a gown small enough to bury my baby in. The baby whose heart was beating inside me at that very moment. I was looking for grave clothes.

I wanted to scream out to the other happy pregnant mommies there shopping. They smiled knowingly at me as if we were on the same journey. We're all in the same club. We're almost through with our pregnancy. I wanted to tell them "NOOOOOOOOOO!! We're not on the same journey. You have your due date to look forward to but my baby is going to die!!!!"

Going through grocery store lines was very hard too. First of all, I'm pregnant. And nothing is more inviting to complete strangers to get into your business than a pregnant lady. Your stomach is free game...to anyone. They always say, "Oh, when are you due?"

I just didn't want to go out and be in front of strangers, because those normal, innocent questions would always come up. What do I do? How do I handle it? Do I lie? Do I break down? Because if I answered truthfully, there was no question...I was going to fall apart.

One day as I was going through the line, there was a young cashier, very upbeat and cheerful.

"Hi! (huge smile). How are you?"

That's what they always say. The dreaded..."How are you?". I tried to be nondescript, but I was more like Eeyore. I just couldn't make myself respond with the usual "Fine" answer that is expected and required. I just could NOT say it. I don't know what I said, I probably just mumbled. A pretend answer.

She didn't let me off the hook. "Come on, what could be so bad? If there was one thing you could change to make your day good, what would it be?"

Silence.

She seemed so proud of her happiness, almost daring me that things couldn't be all that bad, I was just grumpy to her. At least that is how it seemed to me.

I told the truth that day. I told her that nothing could make me feel better that day. My baby had no kidneys and was going to die after she was born.

I don't remember what she said after that. Probably nothing. It was like I slapped her in the face. And I wanted to slap her in the face for her innocent happiness. For treating me as if I had no reason to feel sad.

I wandered out of the store and drove home in tears.

Waiting your turn

2008-06-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

I took this picture of my daughter today. She was watching the big kids play. She wanted to ride, but it went too fast for her. She stood off to the side and watched.

I thought it was sad.

As I looked at this picture, I saw myself, and probably every mother who has lost a baby. Watching other Mamas, whether it be at a baby shower, or in the grocery store pushing a cart around with a tiny newborn in it, is hard.

I remember for weeks after having Isabel, being fat, feeling sad, and seeing other new mommies. I wanted to ask them how old their baby was, swap stories with them, to tell them that I had just had a baby too. I went through everything they had, but there was no baby in my cart. To them, I was just a regular overweight gal, watching on the sidelines.

This is from one of my favorite books. It's called Welcome with Love. It's a children's picture book about home birth. In case you didn't know, I had our first three children at home and was planning on having Isabel at home too.

I bought this book for our daughter and all of us who were at the birth signed it to her and talked about the night she was born, sort of like a yearbook. It is a treasure to me. It has beautiful, colorful drawings and is tastefully done.

It was the pictures in this book where I first fell in love with the idea of handmade, colorful baby socks. To me they represent the hope of the baby who is expected. They are not your everyday socks that can be bought by thousands of other people at Target, they are one-of-a-kind, unique and handmade with love and anticipation of the little treasure who is coming.

I made a pair like these for a friend from church who is expecting baby Jewel. She loved these socks and told me she is going to put them on Jewel right after she is born.

I learned how to knit beyond scarves last year, after we received the news that Isabel would not live. I felt this obsessive compulsion to make her some special things from her Mama. I made these socks for her. *I* made them.

I can't tell you how it makes me feel to look at this picture. To see her little knee, her little leg, and her little feet being warmed by those special socks that I made for her, with her in mind. She has to know that she is special, she is loved and wanted.

She is ours.

Bring the Rain

2008-06-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

The following videos are about The Smith Family. Todd Smith is one of the singers in the Christian group Selah. Angie Smith has a blog called Bring the Rain where she has chronicled the pregnancy and short life of their daughter Audrey Caroline.

Please pray for the entire Smith family, just two months after they lost Audrey, their 10 wk old nephew, Luke suddenly died. I can't imagine.

I totally relate to what Angie said in this video about the fact that there is no such thing as a Plan B in God's world. It's only Plan B to us. And surrending to HIS plan is the hard part. Relinquishing our ideas about how life is going to turn out and accepting HIS plan.

Here is the letter Angie wrote to her daughter.

This video is of Audrey's birthday. I can't watch it without crying.

A story of hope

2008-04-19T23:39:00.001-07:00

A recent acquaintance told me a remarkable story the other day. It is a true story and I think it will give many of you hope. Hope for that day when we will see our child again.

This person's brother and his brother's wife had a baby girl born prematurely and she passed away in the hospital shortly after being born.

Years pass.

Fast forward, now he is at his mother's bedside. She was dying. She had been in and out of consciousness.

Suddenly his mom's eyes brightened and she said,

"Oh, look who's here! They've come to take me!"

And she referred to her mother and her granddaughter who had died a few years earlier by name. She would look at the people in the room, then back to the mother and granddaughter as if they were all there together. (which they were I guess) but no one else could see them. She went back into her sleepy state and died a few days later.

Now, how did that make me feel?

I guess it just made it seem real for a minute. Sometimes it feels as if it was all a bad dream. But to think of being able to see Isabel again, in truth.

To be able to express feelings and emotions, to KNOW that she knows how we feel.

I don't really know how to express how it made me feel. But it was definitely a good feeling. That she belongs to us, to our family. That when my parents or siblings die, she might be there to greet them because she is a part of our family. That gives me hope.

Blossoms appear

2008-04-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

Look! The winter is past.

The rain is over and gone.

Blossoms appear in the land.

The time of the songbird has arrived.

The cooing of the mourning dove is heard in our land.

Song of Solomon 2: 11-12

Some good friends of ours sent this rose to us shortly after we found out about Isabel. It has sat next to my sink for almost an entire year now. At first my mom took care of it, she put it in the bowl and watered it. Throughout the year, I would occasionally notice it and give it a drink. I wondered if it would live. I knew it needed to be planted, but it looked so small, I just didn't want to put it outside in the winter. So it sat by my sink, every...single...day.

A week or so ago the last leaf fell off the stem.

I was secretly glad.

It was dead.

I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore! But then the other day, I was shocked to see a new sprout (top picture). I was so surprised, I took a picture. And then it seems only a day or two later, this happened...

Giving a plant in memory of someone who has died is a great idea. It's good in the long term sense. But in the interim, during that initial period of intense grief, requiring someone to tend to anything other than the very basics also raises questions about whether the plant will survive or not.

With the plants we received from friends and family, there seemed to be a lot of pressure in my mind and heart for 'these' plants. Because they were associated with Isabel, it was almost as if they were Isabel. I had to take extra special care of them, I couldn't let them die, and yet I also felt no desire to care for them.

This was a problem.

I felt I had to plant them in the most perfect spot. Which increased the pressure for this decision and made me not want to commit to planting them anywhere because I couldn't decide where the 'right' spot would be. All this at the time when I cared the very least for such things. I had no desire to care for a plant. And in the heat of June, a potted plant sitting outside in the heat needs even more care to be kept alive. A few of them did die. At the time I really didn't care.

Did I mention that already?

I guess I am belaboring this point huh?

In hindsight, something that I would have appreciated (although I didn't know it at the time) would have been a work party, a group of people getting together to get the plants in the ground. It may seem weird but I really didn't want to see anyone either. I just didn't want to feel like people were wondering 'how' I was doing. I felt awful emotionally and physically. I was depressed, with good reason I guess. So if you ever have the opportunity to do this sort of thing for someone I would suggest that there be no pressure on the person to 'entertain' visitors or to be out in the midst of the planting party.

Another way to bless someone experiencing a loss is to mow their lawn. We spent a few days out of town for the funeral which was held in my hometown, a few hours away. When we came home and drove up to our house we found a nicely mowed lawn. Our neighbor's son had generously mowed our gigantic lawn. That simple act was such a blessing to us, especially my husband. I could feel his burden lift a little. That was one less thing for him to worry about.

I wouldn't say I feel like 'the winter is past', but with the arrival of spring along with the passing of time, I have a renewed energy and will to wield a shovel.

I finally made a decision and planted almost all of the plants we were given in honor of Isabel. I put the Peace rose bush and the Dogwood tree next to each other. The dogwood blooms pink blossoms (shown above) in June around the time of her birthday. In years to come, these thoughtful gifts will be a pleasant reminder of our precious pink blossom.

What about you?

What things helped minister to you the most?

Glory Baby

2008-04-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

I saw this clip on The Flick Family Blog. It was written by the husband and wife team that make up Watermark after losing their baby through a miscarriage. You can see the lyrics to the song here.

His ways

2008-03-07T20:24:00.000-08:00

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55: 8-9

I have been reading the book of John to the kids while they eat breakfast. This morning we read chapter 18. The kids and I talked about the following verse and how it relates to our experience with Isabel:

Then said Jesus unto Peter, Put up they sword into the sheath: the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?
John 18:11

None of us like pain. If we could, we would never get a cold, fall down and skin our knee, crash on our bike, and certainly not watch our baby die before our very eyes.

Jesus came with a purpose, to do the Father's will. As painful as He knew facing the cross would be, He rebuked Peter when he tried to defend Him from the guards that had come to take him there (to the cross) . He chose to drink the cup that His Father had chose for Him, because He knew His Father had a plan, a purpose for what He was asking Jesus to do.

As much as we wanted the Lord to save Isabel and us from losing her, He didn't. I believe that He didn't for a reason. As Isaiah 55 states, His ways are higher than our ways. As painful as life can sometimes be, I want to experience the life HE chose for me (us) rather than escape it, because I trust Him and His purposes.

A hat for Natalie

2008-02-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

Here is a tiny hat I made for a friend of mine. I made it for her daughter, Natalie. Natalie passed away almost 8 years ago. She weighed somewhere in the 1 pound range. She was only 24 weeks and she was a twin. Her sister lived, and is now almost 8 years old.

It may seem strange to many...why knit a hat for a baby who has been dead almost a decade?

Well, because at the time that my friend had her baby girls, and lost one of them, I didn't know how to knit. And I didn't understand her pain. But since losing Isabel, I regret that I didn't do more to acknowledge Natalie's life and her mother's pain.

The other weekend, I knew I would see Natalie's mother and something hit me. The idea that I wanted to knit a hat for Natalie. Mostly, for her mother. So she would have something tangible to touch and hold when she takes down the inevitable box of keepsakes.

And plus, every baby deserves to have at least one item made just for them.

I used some very soft yarn from a recycled sweater, it was 55% silk, 30% angora and 15% nylon. It had a nice halo. I used some pink baby alpaca leftover from Isabel's blanket as the brim. I made it very small. I wanted it to be the right size for her, had she lived. It turned out so sweet.

I felt a little strange giving it to her mom, but I explained and I think she understood. In fact, I'm sure she did.

Reflections

2008-02-26T09:24:00.001-08:00

I found a discussion on abortion and Isabel came up in the comments section. I ended up leaving quite a long comment that I wanted to post:

I really wanted to comment about the question of why someone should carry a 'doomed' baby or a baby that the medical community has stated will die after birth.

I must admit that as soon as I found out that our baby would die shortly after her birth, I did want it to be over. The doctors told me I could go into labor anytime, or go to full term. There was so much grief. Grieving for an event that had not yet happened. Something that was for the most part, inevitable. I wanted her to be born ASAP, just to get it over with. There was that feeling, that I just wanted it to happen and be over. But we grieved, and we also had the rock solid belief that nothing was impossible for God.

The doctors told us there was no chance for her to live, and we assumed for the most part, that they were right.

But God.

There was always that sense of ...but God.

We knew without question that He had made Isabel. He could easily heal her before she was born. He could heal her after. Who can know the mind of God? No one. We would not dream of taking a chance to intervene and say "she's not going to live, therefore, let's kill her now in order to escape this situation we're in a little earlier." That was His place to decide when she would be born, how she would be born, and when she would die. Not ours.

Even though we never considered ending her life through an abortion or as the doctors offered to stop her heart with a saline solution and then induce labor, so I could give birth to only a dead baby, I have thought about it since.

An abortion would NOT have made the situation easier. It might seem that it would, but it would have only added to our sadness and guilt. The end result would have been WORSE. Instead of honoring our daughter's life (she WAS and IS our daughter, a PERSON, my children's sister, someone we had prayed for and hoped for), to just dispose of her as soon as we heard she was not 'viable' would have been discarding the thought of her as a person, as all of those things I put in parentheses above.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

- Isaiah 43:2

There is a sense that if we could just end whatever is causing us the immediate pain, then it would be better.

But it's a lie.

Of course I wanted to escape. But we were in the situation, there was no escape. It was time to deal with what was on our plate. God choose to walk with us through our tragedy, instead of whisking us out of it through a miracle. It is not my place to presume on God. He chose, and I accept His plan for not just my life, but so many others (my husband, my children, my parents, my mother-in-law, my sister, my niece & nephew and many others).

We see life on such a small scale.

He sees with eternal eyes.

We hear that a newborn baby has died and think it is such a 'shame'. What a waste of a life. But we just can't know what her life accomplished. I don't know and I don't honestly expect to until I am with Him.

But we will know someday in eternity what her life accomplished. In that day, we will be grateful to Him for His wisdom in working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Isabel is safe with Him. I wanted to experience life with her, but I will have to wait. We all will.

The bottomline is that I trust my God. As painful as it was, I don't want to escape His plan for me. I want to learn and change and grow into the woman He wants me to be. He is the potter, and I am the clay.

My life is but a weaving
between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow,
and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,
and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas
and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

- Author Unknown

Before

2008-01-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

We were all so excited driving to the ultrasound. My husband had taken that Friday afternoon off. Our appointment wasn't until late afternoon, actually the last appointment of the day. It took a good hour and a half to get there, but it flew by because the kids were excited to be doing something different and I was excited about seeing our baby who would be born soon. Pregnancy is no picnic for me and I was counting down the weeks to the day I would get my prize, my treasure.

It was a beautiful, clear spring day. My daughter was wearing her brown cotton dress with the light blue shirt underneath. I loved that outfit.

It was before.

Before we knew.

We were on the cusp of knowing.

We were happy and innocent, thinking only the best of what could be. I see pictures and think, "That was before." or "That was right after we found out." I look at those smiling faces in the picture and feel bad for those people, because I know a secret that will change their lives, and they don't know it. At least, not yet.

All five of us crowded into the exam room with the doctor and the ultrasound equipment. Since it was a naturopathic doctor, he was free to share what he saw. Unfortunately, this time, it was ugly and he didn’t sugarcoat his comments for Isabel’s siblings.

“I don’t see any kidneys.”

I lay there frozen. What did he say? I waited for him to say something to make up for his last comment. It didn’t get any better.

"This is a severely abnormal baby."

I don’t think I will ever forget those words. They were ripping, tearing, searing words. He told us her condition was ‘incompatible with life’ and she would die shortly after birth. He couldn't say how long, I remember him saying "ten minutes".

As soon as we heard this news, I wanted to know the baby’s sex. I had never found out before, I had loved to be surprised at the birth. You see, I was old-fashioned. But now that was all foolishness for people in a perfect world. A world that we were no longer a part of. We had no time to waste.

He thought she was a girl, but it was hard to tell with no amniotic fluid. In my heart, I knew she was a girl.

We were ushered into a nearby birthing room, a box of kleenex shoved into my husband's hand. Our daughter twirled about the room in the most adorable way, completely unaware of the bomb that had just been detonated. The rest of us sat huddled together on a couch crying. My youngest son stared at his little sister tootling around the room and said “...she brings us so much joy. Imagine if she wasn’t here?”

Everything had changed. The date that I had looked forward to and longed for was now a day to dread. A day that we hoped would never have to come

We drove home through a veil of tears and in virtual silence.

99 Balloons - Eliot's Story

2008-01-22T21:56:00.000-08:00

Ways to get through the holidays

2007-11-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of ideas that may be helpful to someone. These are from a monthly newletter I receive from Brief Encounters.

Begin making a special tree ornament for your baby. Cross-stitch or knit ornaments, angels, are all good ideas. Or engrave the name on a beautiful brass ornament.
If you are sending Christmas cards, consider signing your baby's name.
Write a love letter to your baby. Tell him or her how much you miss them and wish they were here. Seal it in an envelope and put it in a safe place.
Shop for Christmas gifts on a "good" day. Choose gifts from a catalog or have a good friend shop with or for you. Try to rest as much as possible.
Cook meals in double portions and freeze half for a time when you are feeling tired or overwhelmed. Use paper plates and napkins. Do things the easiest way.
Tie ribbons on a tree in memory of your baby. Blue for a son; pink for a daughter; white for a baby whose gender is unknown. Tie ribbons to denote how old your child would be now.
Adopt a needy child from an angel tree; maybe the same age as your baby would be now. It may help you to browse the toy or clothes department and purchase a gift for that age.
Think of ways you want the family to remember your baby during the holidays. Try to mentally prepare yourself for the many confusing emotions this season brings.
Plan to decorate your baby's gravesite. A decorated tree or wreath, small toys, snow blanket, flowers, gold or silver garlands work well.
You may wish to invite family and friends to bring an ornament in memory of your baby to help decorate a Christmas tree.
Let your children make a special ornament for their baby too.
If it hurts too much to use a particular decoration, pack it safely away for another year. In time, your heart will be ready to celebrate.
Decorate the altar of your church with a poinsettia or other flower in memory of your baby on Christmas Eve.
Display a photo album or scrapbook of your baby on the coffee table. Let your family know it's okay to talk about him or her. It's okay to share your tears too.
Record the family story of your baby; "Remember when...?" Recall when you learned you were pregnant, special memories of the pregnancy, etc.
Do something special in memory of your baby; light a candle; say their name out loud; hang an ornament; create a table centerpiece; give a gift; share your love.
Consider traditions. Are there some you want to keep? Some you feel you can't handle? Do something different this year. It's okay to make some changes.

You could order a personalized Christmas ornament with your baby's name on it here.

Bethany's gift

2007-10-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

I had such a nice surprise yesterday. Bethany sent me this beautiful picture she drew of Isabel. Bethany has a blog I follow and is obviously a talented artist. You can see her work at http://www.sketchesbybethany.net/. A drawing like this would be a great gift for someone who is grieving or even for your own family to remember your own baby.

This is the note she sent along:

After hearing about your loss of Isabel, I wanted to do something for you...so I drew this picture of her for you. I hope that you will have comfort in this time of grief. This drawing isn't much, but it is the least I can do to try to help. I remember reading your blog while you were pregnant with her, and seeing you use beans to show what size she was at the time, and getting larger beans, and larger beans, and I thought it was so sweet, and such a good way to teach your children about the development of the baby. It really made me sad the other day when I heard that you had lost her. I know that regardless of how strong in faith you are, it still hurts, and I hope that you will be able to heal very quickly. You are being such an inspiration to others through this, and God is definitely using you to encourage others during their times of grief. I hope you won't mind the angel wing. Like you, I don't believe that babies become angels when they die, but in memorial drawings, I like to use Angel wings, because the portrait is instantly recognized as a memorial, and I think it reminds people that the baby is now in Heaven, with the angels.

Here are a couple of the pictures and text from my old blog that Bethany was talking about. It's sad to see them. It makes me think of my great joy at having another child. The anticipation of what the next year would hold. In this sesame seed picture, it was at this stage her kidneys should have been formed, but did not. Such a critical process. So miraculous. How could anyone doubt we were made by a loving God?

5 Weeks - Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point she's about the size of a sesame seed. She's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, mesoderm, and endoderm — that will later form her organs and tissues. The cells are forming for her major organs, including his kidneys and liver, and her neural tube is beginning to develop. This neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — develops in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to her skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel. Her heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, her tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue. The third layer, or endoderm, will house her lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as her thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know them full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

When I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

Were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139: 13-17

6 Weeks: Your baby's heart is growing and dividing into the right and left chambers. But the most exciting part is that her tiny heart is now beating (at a speedy 100 to 130 beats a minute) and pumping blood throughout her body. The cells that will make up all of your baby's body parts and systems are dividing furiously as her body begins to take shape. Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across).

It's so cute, after I took this picture, I showed the kids that our baby is this big. We were all saying, "Oh, baby" and petting the lentil bean with our finger saying "baby". My daughter wanted to see the baby. She would softly caress the 'baby'. Later she saw the bean sitting on the table and called out "Baby!" She wanted the baby to hold.

The box

2007-10-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

My daughter pointed to the small lavendar box on top of my dresser.

"Dat Mama's box?"

"That's Isabel's box. Do you want to look inside?"

A sweet little face nods.

It was evening, my husband was with the boys. It was just her and I. I grabbed the box and plopped down on the bed. She scrambled up onto the bed and grinned with anticipation. She laid on her tummy, just like Mama. I slowly opened it up and took out a miniature, beautifully beaded bracelet with the name ISABEL spelled out. She happily put it on her little wrist.

I said, "Isabel was in Mama's tummy, but she died. Now she is in Heaven with Jesus. Remember?"

"Iabewl my sister."

Just hearing her say that brings tears.

She does have a sister. A sister she will not know on earth. I realize she is the only one whom I can freely talk with about Isabel. She doesn't know how painful it all is. She isn't afraid to ask questions or talk about her. She doesn't seem tramatized when I cry. She just matter-of-factly says "Mama sad." and nods knowingly

And speaking of my daughter, I'm so thankful to the Lord for His timing, His provision for this time. At least twice a day I have to sit in a quiet and sometimes darkened room and rock my daughter before her nap and before bedtime. It has been very comforting to be able to cuddle and hug someone, a little girl, my daughter while grieving the loss of my other daughter.

If I would have lost my third child, I wouldn't have had such a young person to cuddle with all the time. My youngest at that time was 5 years old. I've read that mothers whose babies die sometimes want to cuddle a stuffed animal, or some sort of object about the size of their baby. I think my daughter has helped me there.

Next I pull out a little clear box filled with white fluffy filler. Nestled inside it is a small image of a baby. I think it is the size of an actual 12 week old baby in the womb. She loved this. She took the baby out and cupped it in her little hands, hugged it and kissed it. She held it close and rocked it. She wanted me to rock 'her'. While I was rocking the baby, she said, "Blow on her tummy."

It hit me.

I could've sobbed.

Just thinking about all of those little rituals that Isabel and us were to miss out on. Because to her, that's what you do to babies you love, you blow raspberries on their tummy.

My good friend gave me this box shortly after Isabel died. She has had two miscarriages. She knew what things might help. When I first received them I really liked the bracelet, and I still do. It was so nice to have something with Isabel's name on it. For some reason, I think just something tangible to show it wasn't all just a dream. I wasn't sure what the point of having the little baby was. But now, I really like them both. I also like having them in a special box. My daughter LOVES to look at them.

And it's a special time when we can both stop and quietly and carefully examine the precious baby, who we refer to as "she" or "her" and think about our Isabel. I would someday like to try to make a necklace for me similar to the bracelet. I think I would like that. I've thought about going to the local bead shop and seeing if I could find some that match.

If you know of someone who has recently had a loss, and would like to give them something to remember their baby with, you can find them at Little Angels Online.

Expectations

2007-10-18T18:00:00.001-07:00

When I was pregnant and anticipating a healthy baby, I bought this book on ebay. It's by Eloise Wilkin.

The story is about a little girl who, right before her mother and father bring a new baby home from the hospital, is given a baby doll. In the story, the little girl feeds her “baby” when Mommy feeds her baby; she changes her baby’s diapers when Mommy changes the baby; they take carriage rides together and tuck them into bed at the same time.

"We smile at our babies and talk to them. Mommy says this is the way our babies know they are the most wonderful babies in the world."

I was saving the book to give to her after 'the baby' (when she was still anonymous) was born. It still sits in the gift box. I haven't gotten it down because I don't think I could read it to her. There would be more tears.

It's all of these little things that we prepare for and anticipate that are painful to let go of.

I thought it would be such perfect timing. Our daughter is two and a half. She is just starting to like little dolls. She loves real babies. When she sees a real baby or holds one I have to fight back the tears. My heart hurts to think how much she would have loved to have her baby sister Isabel. Picturing her in my mind holding her baby sister is tough.

Praise you in the storm

2007-10-01T13:30:00.001-07:00

Felicity

2007-09-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

John Piper spoke at his granddaughter's funeral today. One day before her due date Felicity was stillborn. You can read about it here. John Piper's teachings on suffering (see sidebar) have really helped me to find peace in the sovereignty of God. If you haven't listened to them, I encourage you to download them, they are free but priceless.

Here is a poem he wrote for her.

Felicity

Felicity, that happy name

was hidden with your forming frame

next to the heart of mom and dad

until the day you came.

You did not come as we presumed—

a place upstairs at home was groomed.

Yet other plans our Sovereign had

and took you from the womb.

Life is never ill-conceived.

He willed through you to make us grieved;

and though our hearts now linger sad,

we know whom we’ve believed.

The God who numbers all our days

no less deserves our endless praise.

He means the loss that now bodes bad

to highlight heaven’s rays.

He’s teaching us to trust his grace

while yet we cannot see his face

like you, in righteousness now clad,

and Fatherly embrace.

Felicity, your name will hence

accomplish mom and dad’s intents

and make the saints of Jesus glad

for every providence.

- John Piper

2007-09-24T17:29:00.001-07:00

Choosing a marker

2007-09-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

This is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple months.

On the one hand, there is the pressure of making something permanant. Really, the only thing to physically mark her place on earth...forever. It has to be right. I don't want to rush into it and regret it, but I don't want to wait too long either.

There is always that 'I'd rather not even think about that' part of it. I'd like to put it off for, say...ever.

On the other hand, there is the pressure to have something to mark her grave. Her existence. About a month after she had died, we went out to her grave and there was nothing there.

Nothing.

My mom had taken fresh flowers out and put them in the ground, and we brought roses. But if not for those flowers, no one would've known it wasn't just a plain old patch of grass. I thought that the funeral service would've put some sort of temporary marker.

My husband said he would make something to put out there, but it would've had that 'I'm 10 and I just buried my hamster' feeling to it. We called the funeral director to ask about something temporary. He said most cemeteries don't do that to make sure people order a real marker. Isabel is buried in a family cemetery, out in the country.

But there is the fear of setting something literally 'in stone' that I might regret later. To be truthful, I feel that there is no way to win. I mean, the choices we choose today are rarely the choices we would choose in five years. How many of you reading this would do your wedding differently if you could go back? I'm thinking pretty much....everyone. At least every woman.

We looked through some books at the funeral home. They had clipart that I felt was unacceptable. It was cherub angel babies with hearts. It wasn't timeless. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't look at that for the rest of my life.

I went to our hometown library and talked to a reference desk librarian. I tried not to cry when I told her what I was looking for, but I couldn't help it. I felt bad for her. It does put people in an awkward spot. But I just couldn't help it. I teared up. She looked away.

She was so nice. She found a great book of clipart for me to look through. This was just the sort of look I had been thinking of. Maybe I should start a marker design business. There's really some sad choices out there.

I do have to make some choices. I started working on it the other day. It all takes time. Little bits here and there. And not something you want to do either.

Not.

Before we left to go home, we drove out to the cemetary and saw that the funeral director had put a temporary marker on Isabel's grave. That was so nice. A little relief in my heart.

She was a person.

She existed.

She mattered to us.

Her body lies here.

Quiet times

2007-09-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

We are quiet.

We turn out the light.

We rock.

Often times I cry.

Putting my daughter down to sleep are the times I think most deeply about losing Isabel. My feelings begin to creep out of the misty fog of my busyness. I just barely start to touch them and then I lay her down and it's back to the chaos of life. On to the next thing on the 'to do' list.

Life is so busy. Just feeding the family, feeding the animals, doing laundry, keeping doctor appointments and running errands can encompass every second of the day. That doesn't include keeping in touch with friends and family.

Who has time to include losing a child and coping with that loss on top of those other things? There are more things now...momentos to keep 'somewhere special', thank you cards to the kind folks who gave a gift, sent a card, cooked a meal. On that note, I don't even have a master list of people and what they did. In the middle of the grief, it's not the thing you think of doing.

I suppose it's those little snippets of time added up over time that will work out the emotional healing God wants to bring to us.

Is there something we can do?

2007-09-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

I hear this quite a bit. Not as much anymore, but I do occasionally. I decided to put a donation button on the sidebar for those people who feel they want to do something.

Our biggest tangible need now is to pay for Isabel's headstone or what they call a 'marker'. I guess this sounds less morbid. They're pretty expensive, not something you plan for. Insurance doesn't cover it. We want to order a very small one that is like my grandma's baby who died. It's pictured above. It's 10" x 10". The cost is about $1000.

I hope no one feels pressured or anything, it's just a need. I know it will get taken care of eventually and I'm not too stressed about it. I set up a paypal account just for Isabel's marker. And once it gets paid for and ordered, I will remove the button. I just wanted to explain why it is there.

Don't waste your life

2007-09-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

At what age does a life become a 'good life' lived. Was it a 'good' life if the person lived to be one hundred but didn't find God or use his life to glorify God?

Isabel lived for 30 minutes or so. Was her life 'a shame' or 'wasted' because it was so short? If in those 30 minutes, she accomplished the purposes God had for her life, then wasn't her life perfectly beautiful?

What does Isabel know?

2007-07-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day that as sad as I feel about Isabel, she is not dead. We had a funeral. We buried her body, but she is alive, just not here on earth with us. I wonder what Isabel knows now? She is in Heaven with God the Father and Jesus and everyone else. Think about it. She could visit with Noah, or Moses or my favorite, King David.

I don't pray to Isabel or think that Isabel is my guardian angel. That is not Biblical. God created the angels, and He created people. They are apples and oranges. They are different. People don't become angels when they die. The Bible says in Hebrews 9:27 "Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment"

My grandma lost a 9 month old baby. That must have been so painful. How nice it must have been for her to see him in Heaven. And I like to think that Grandma and my cousin Kim's little boy, Jacob met with Isabel and told her about the family she never had the chance to know, not on earth anyway. But Isabel is in Heaven, she must know so much more than we do. Surely, she must know about us, about how we love her, and that we are sad. When I start to feel regrets about how I handled our brief time with her, I fret about what I didn't do, or what I should've done, I console myself with this thought: she knows.

God will tell her.

God will tell her all the things that she needs to know about us. And certainly she will know she is loved, and that is all that really matters to me.

My aunt shared a passage in Isaiah 65 with me. Someday, when God creates a new Heaven and earth, the heartache and sorrows we experienced here will be forgotten, we won't remember the pain.

For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth;
And the former shall not be remembered or come to mind.

But be glad and rejoice forever in what I create;
For behold, I create Jerusalem as a rejoicing, And her people a joy.

I will rejoice in Jerusalem, and joy in My people;
The voice of weeping shall no longer be heard in her, Nor the voice of crying.

No more shall an infant from there live but a few days,
Nor an old man who has not fulfilled his days;
For the child shall die one hundred years old,
But the sinner being one hundred years old shall be accursed.

They shall build houses and inhabit them;
They shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.

They shall not build and another inhabit;
They shall not plant and another eat;
For as the days of a tree, so shall be the days of My people,
And My elect shall long enjoy the work of their hands.

They shall not labor in vain, Nor bring forth children for trouble;
For they shall be the descendants of the blessed of the LORD,
And their offspring with them.

It shall come to pass That before they call, I will answer;
And while they are still speaking, I will hear.

The wolf and the lamb shall feed together,
The lion shall eat straw like the ox,
And dust shall be the serpent’s food.
They shall not hurt nor destroy in all My holy mountain,”
Says the Lord.

Isaiah 65: 17-25

Comforting those who mourn

2007-07-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

The other night I was giving my daughter a bath, when Mom came in to say goodbye. She had been here helping out, she was leaving the next morning. I started to cry when telling her goodbye.

My little girl sat in the tub and said softly, "Poor Mama."

In a very serious tone she said "Mama, tum here." as she held out her arms to me. She was imploring me to come over to the bathtub so she could give me a hug, which I did...and then she did.

What a joy and a gift from the Lord she is.

Gracious attendant

2007-07-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Our midwife, Desiree, was with us through it all. She came to doctor appointments just to support us. She came to Isabel's birth too. I snapped this photo of her as the nurse was dressing Isabel and taking her hand and footprints. While I was paralyzed from the epidural, and emotionally numb, she stood over Isabel. I could hear her say things like, "Oh, she is so sweet." or "She is so precious."

That meant a great deal to me.

The after days

2007-06-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

The sun rises and sets.

Days pass.

Life goes on.

I know life must go on, but it just feels wrong to 'go on'. Somehow it just feels wrong to go back living life as if a beautiful life didn't just briefly enter and leave our family.

My uterus is shrinking back to it's proper size. I lay on the bed and feel my stomach. It reminds me of a bag that carried a precious treasure, but the treasure is gone and all that remains is the crumpled, empty bag. The memory of what once was.

My breasts are no longer painfully engorged with milk, which also makes me cry. Just a week and a half after I gave birth, even my body must go on as if nothing happened.

Of course we all know something happened. Isabel made her brief appearance on this earth. We were able to hold her, tell her we love her, and then stand aside as an angel carried her to Heaven.

A dark day

2007-06-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

"A holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. O that we may kiss the rod, and lay our hands on our mouths."
- Sarah Edwards' comment at the news of her husband's death

Four dozen roses for Isabel.

The night before the funeral.

My aunt and cousin made the flower arrangement for Isabel's casket.

Our Sweet Baby Girl

2007-06-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Late Sunday night I started having some contractions. They sporatically continued into Monday. We checked into the hospital Monday afternoon around 1pm.

Isabel Hope was born early this morning at 12:50am. She weighed 3 lbs. 12 oz. She lived approximately 30 short minutes. She didn't appear to struggle or be in any pain.

My parents and sister brought our children to the hospital a few hours before Isabel was born. The boys were able to hold their baby sister.

It was obviously a very painful experience. We ask for your continued prayer support.
Our only comfort is in knowing our sweet little girl is with the Lord, free from the earthly limitations that were imposed upon her.

Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."
In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.

Job 1: 20-22

Articles of note:

In the Shadow of Death – The Little Ones Are Safe With Jesus

What happens to Infants When They Die

2007-06-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

Latest completed items.

What do I say?

2007-06-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

My sister talked to a friend of hers who has lost a baby. Here was her advice...

The advice I have is to let them totally grieve. Let them be angry and don't say things like well at least you have 3 other kids or God only gives you what you can handle. I think those were the worst things I heard when I was going through it all. Tell them this all just sucks and it is awful because it is. I know I didn't want to hear the "oh time will heal" and all that supportive stuff for awhile. All I can say is it is the WORST of the worst. It is the most painful grief of all. I know you grieve when your grandparents die but you know that is the cycle of life and you can kind of make sense of it but it just doesn't make sense when a baby dies. It took me probably a good 18 to 24 months before I felt like I could go on with my life. That first year I seriously cried everytime I had to drive on the route we took to the hospital. It is just going to take a lot of time to get through this. And as I am typing this memories are coming to me and I remember how horrible it was going to the funeral parlor and making those arrangements and then walking into that room to see the tiny little casket. That killed me. So just be sensitive to all that when the time comes and give her lots of support even just being physically with her but maybe not saying anything. She just needs to get it all out. My heart totally aches for them and I can physically feel their pain for them. I will pray for peace for them. This will never make sense to them but I pray they will be able to get it to a place where they can manage it. I am so so sorry for them. I wish no parent ever had to go through the death of their child.

I totally agree with her dislike for comments like
“God won’t give you more than you can handle” or
“God knows you are strong enough” or
“Because you are strong, God knows you can handle this” etc.

I’ve had a few of those comments, I don’t really think that it’s a Biblical comment. I think people confuse that idea with what the Bible says about temptation:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

I do know that God’s grace is here for us to help us in times of trouble, but I don’t think he allows tragedy to come on someone just because they are ‘stronger’ than others. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. It’s like the song about the house on the sand or on the rock. It rains on all of us, but depending on where you build your house dictates if or how you live through it.

Knowing that Isabel won’t have to live through this life with all it’s hardships and she will be assured eternity in Heaven is not really a comfort to me at this point. Of course, I want her to be in Heaven someday, but I want her with me now.

I think through this I realize how many times I have said the wrong things in the past to others. When something bad happens to someone, you want to comfort them, and give them a reason. I know I did. I would make some attempt to make sense out of it. But now I realize, that’s not what people want to hear. Because we are all just human, we can’t possibly know or understand the mind of God. How could I possibly know why this happened? The grieving person doesn’t really care what my thoughts are on it. The bottom line is it doesn’t make sense to us now and it probably never will this side of eternity. It's just awful. Period.

I appreciate those who let me say things without correcting whether they are rational or not. To try to make it make sense doesn’t help, because it just doesn’t. It’s just hard and something we wish we didn’t have to go through. In the end, I think the best thing to say is "I'm sorry. I'm praying for you." and a hug. What else can anyone say? Nothing.

If the Lord does take her, I do ask the Lord to let her know how much we loved and wanted her and how much we so desperately wanted to keep her.

Why do I knit?

2007-06-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

Why do I knit? I have been knitting quite a bit lately. And the worst part is...I don't really know how to knit. Okay, I'm making a real effort to learn right quick.

Somehow it makes me feel like I can show Isabel that her Mama loves her by knitting something for her. That she won't be wearing generic socks from Target or something that just anyone can buy for $4.99. Something made especially for her. It's something I can actually DO while waiting for this dreaded event to take place.

Why can't I stop at just one hat or one pair of socks?

Well...it's hard to decide what the one pair of socks should be that your baby will ever wear. Actually, it's torture.

Knitting for Isabel Hope

2007-06-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

Socks under construction. #2 Double pointed needles.

These socks are on my fingers.

May 21st update

2007-06-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

We had another appointment with the Perinatologist today. We had another ultrasound too. The newest news is that now they believe Isabel has Bilateral Renal Agenesis also known as Potter's Syndrome. It just means that they don't see any kidneys at all. At one point, someone thought that there was one multi-cystic kidney, now they believe her kidneys never developed at all. She has no kidneys. They also say there is no amniotic fluid at all. She is also still in the breech position. No one expects her to move, with no fluid. She doesn't move very much, just little small jerks or shudders. It's sad.She has grown steadily from the last time we had an ultrasound, so they question my due date. I know when I had my LMP and I also know when I had the positive pregnancy test, but going by her measurements, they say my due date is August 17th. My original due date is July 14th. This was also depressing news for me, as I now get to be pregnant an extra month (possibly), not to mention the torture of drawing this whole thing out even longer. They say that if she truly was growth retarded, she wouldn't have grown much in the last 3 wks. It's confusing. I don't really understand what is going on.I also have developed gestational diabetes, so if she grows into a large baby, which is what they often do, that would pose more of a problem with labor, being that she is breech.It was a tiring day.

Renal Agenesis

2007-06-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear. Though the earth be removed, and though mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Psalm 46: 1-3

We have recently received some devastating news about our baby. We had an ultrasound on Friday, then had another more extensive ultrasound on Saturday to confirm what Friday’s had found. I am 29 weeks along. The baby shows severe growth restriction. It is only measuring 23 weeks 4 days. As far as they can see, the baby only has one kidney, and this one is filled with cysts (multi-cystic) and therefore only working just a bit, if at all. The doctor cannot find a bladder. Since there is no / very little kidney function the baby is unable to pee, therefore there is almost no amniotic fluid. They usually see 10-26 cm of fluid, I have 1cm. Since there is no fluid, the baby’s lungs have not been able to develop. The baby’s movements are very limited also because of the lack of fluid. The doctor said this is just 1 in 4,000 and we get to be the 4,000th.

The prognosis is very grim. Aside from a miracle from God, there is nothing they can do to help the baby and told us it will certainly die either in the womb or within minutes of birth. After receiving this news, we wanted to know what the sex of the baby is, but since there is no fluid, it’s very difficult to see clearly.

The options they gave us were pretty horrible:

“Terminate” the pregnancy – By a ‘D an E’, (Dilation and evacuation) this would be an abortion.
“Terminate” the pregnancy – by inducing labor and then injecting the baby with a drug to stop it’s heart BEFORE it is born.

This one was unbelievable. Since the Supreme Court recently ruled Partial Birth Abortions illegal, apparently they just go around that in this way. Since they would be inducing labor early (too early), they would have to kill the baby before it leaves the womb then it wouldn’t be a live birth, and NOT a partial birth abortion. The perinatologist wouldn’t really go into detail, but they were clear that they would not induce me and let me give birth to a live baby, they would HAVE to inject it with this drug to stop it’s heart before it was born.

Clearly these are not options we were interested in.

We have decided to do nothing except pray and wait. The baby could die in the womb, or I could carry it another 11 wks to term. I should be able to have the baby vaginally either way.

Obviously, we are so sad at this news. We’ve had a lot of tears here and I don’t see them stopping anytime soon. When Sophia sees me crying, she comes up to me with a Kleenex and a kiss saying, “Oh honey…honey…happen?” or “Mama sad?”

We know God is in control. We would appreciate your prayers.

2007-06-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a little hat I've made for Isabel.